I Was Emotionally Aggressive

I had a tough week with my boyfriend last week.

My parents went away on holiday for 2 weeks and my boyfriend was here pretty much 24/7 apart from when he had to go to work and when he went home for supplies. It was amazing. We’ve only been dating since January this year (we’ve been friends for years though, however we only got close recently). We’re both creatures of habit, and it was hard to have him sleeping in the same bed as me for a couple of days, but after the initial shock it was great having him with me. I got to share everything with him. Meals, music, tv, video games, and I could kiss him and get a cuddle any time I wanted. (Did you know that in Canada, if you kiss someone whilst they’re asleep, it can be seen as a form of rape? :O)

I’ve been struggling since I finished University. It’s hard to get back into the habit where, since I’m under my parents roof, I’m under their rules again. It was okay during holiday seasons whilst I was a student, because I knew I was going away back to University in a few weeks. Now, I have to take it. I have to obey. I feel like a child again, and tbh, they’re starting to treat me like one again. That’s another reason why I loved having those 2 weeks. They were without my parents.

Last week was my first week with them back. I managed to secure a job interview whilst they were away, and they didn’t seem delighted in the slightest. My father tapped away on his laptop whilst my mum said “Okay, well let’s hope this one goes better. You really need to get yourself a job.” (My boyfriends family were delighted and congratulated me, so at least I got some positive attitude about it.)

The interview went well however they said they would call me and they didn’t. The current situation is still pending but I just felt beaten up. I give everything and everyone 100% in my life and sometimes it feels like I only get 10% in return. I would like to think I would never treat a potential employee like that, I would at least stick to my word. It’s not hard to pick up the phone, or compose an email.

Anyway, it made me quite low. And I took it out on the only person who talks to me with love and affection each and every day – my boyfriend. Suddenly all his little insignificant flaws became, for some reason, meaningful in my mind and it drove me crazy. I lashed out at him more than once. Not physically, never physically, but emotionally. I don’t even remember the things I said. I noticed one thing though:

I sounded exactly like my ex.

My ex boyfriend was a controlling, emotionally manipulative ball of nothingness with no balls. We argued constantly, and a lot of our arguments were revolved around similar subjects. He was so nasty to me sometimes. He would blurt out random phrases that didn’t even matter that much, and each word of the sentence was designed to hurt me in some sort of way. Sometimes I didn’t even have a response for him, I would just look at him in shock. I wouldn’t understand how one moment he could claim he loved me, and then say things like that the next.

I didn’t say anything personally against my boyfriend, but I did question certain aspects of his behaviour and come up with my own conclusions. I once implied he was selfish and that pushed him over the edge. I’ve never seen my boyfriend upset before, but this time he was. He hung up the phone and sent me a text message saying “You’re really upsetting me.” It shocked me a little. I then realised that it was as if this evil bitch inside of me was trying to prove something, and I found myself thinking “Are you proud of yourself?”

After a while I called him back and he picked up, but he wasn’t himself. I’d never heard him sound so… exhausted with me. Usually he forgives me straight away but this time he was putting his foot down. I needed that. I needed to realise that what I was doing with was wrong, and I definitely did. I apologised more than once, and I ended up begging to see him. He said he wasn’t sure, but in the end he agreed. I jumped in my car, and bought some chocolate from the petrol station on the way to his house.

In the car I had a long hard think about everything. The thought that I sounded like my ex entered my head, but I quickly ushered it away because the very thought made me feel ill. Out of shame.

To my surprise, he was very calm when I saw him. We talked about nothing in particular, as if nothing bad had happened. We were even joking around. We told each other stories about our school life. (We both went to the same school, but only met shortly before we graduated, so sometimes I forget we went to the same school. I love that we both did though, it makes me feel incredibly close to him.)

After a while we were cuddling spooning on his bed. He was jokingly growling in my ear and I was giggling. I took his hand in my mine and I apologised again for what had happened. He kissed me on the cheek and said it was water under the bridge, but I really did not want to leave it there. We talked about it for a bit, and then he said “I just don’t understand it sometimes. One moment you’re the loveliest girl in the world, the next you can say things which are quite horrible.”

My ex’s face entered my brain once more, and I was too ashamed to not say anything. I said “I think it’s a defence of mine.” He asked me what I meant, so I explained what I’d been thinking. I told him that I think it’s a defence I’ve set up for myself when things turn tense in a relationship. I had to teach myself how to fight back when my ex did it, and I guess maybe it’s turned into some sort of habit. It’s a survival method. A defence. I told him I wasn’t proud of myself, and that I felt awful about all of it.

I hate hate hate talking about my ex. Especially to my current boyfriend. They’re such different people. I know they say you should not regret your past, but if I had the chance I would tell my younger self to never give him a chance. Do not date him. Do not do anything with him. Walk away. Of course I can’t, and I have to live with the consequences.

My eyes turned damp and my tears ended up landing on his face since I was leaning on him. That’s the last thing I remember vividly, but the case has been closed since then and we’re great now. I’m definitely working on who I take my problems out of. Because let’s be honest, I have a roof over my head and even if I don’t get this job, there will be other opportunities. They are First World Problems.

Definitely not enough to ruin a relationship over. I wasn’t Emotionally Abusive, but I was Emotionally Aggresive. I took things out on my ex when he did not deserve it, and for that brief moment I did not even recognise myself.

Have you thought about any of your struggles whilst reading this? Have you taken your problems out on your SO that it’s lead to further problems?


The Swiss Boy

You know that old cliché that you should not get romantically involved with somebody who is already in a relationship, because chances are they’re just using you? Have you ever heard it but then thought “That’s just a general rule, I’m the exception?” Well I have, and I think a lot of people do.

Looking back on it now, I’m not proud of myself at all. I’m actually quite disgusted with myself. I don’t hold it against me however, because I was going through a low point in my life.

I was 17, and it was only a couple of months after my long-term boyfriend found out he didn’t love me any more. He told me I got fat and he cheated on me. He probably would have blamed his cheating on me if he had the chance.

Anyway, I was playing Little Big Planet online one day and on my brothers PS3, and he got put into a level I was already in. He followed me around loads of levels so I asked for his name. He seemed nice so I took a shot and asked if he wanted to add me on MSN and he did, and it went on from there.

His name was Luca and he was from Switzerland. For a Swiss boy he had very good English and he explained it was because his mum was from the Philippines, a country where one of their languages is English. We hit it off straight away. We went on webcams for a bit and he had the most perfect smile. He was unemployed so he was awake all night and slept all day, so we would talk for hours on end.

I remember I went to go visit a University and I was staying at my Aunts house, and I was lying in bed. My phone buzzed and it was him and I was so happy to hear from him, we chatted for hours. I got very flirty and he did too, I said something very daring like “I wish I could kiss you right now” and he said something like “I know… I wish I could too.”

I wasn’t in love, I didn’t even know if I wanted to date him, however I had a good looking sweet boy messaging me and it felt good. I showed my friends a picture of him and they all agreed he had a cute face and a lovely smile. *I* was smiling again. My ex boyfriend had broken my heart and my self esteem however Luca was helping me find myself again.

A couple of weeks later, when we were chatting, he let slip he had a girlfriend. I was confused, and I asked how long he’d been with her. When he said “A couple of years” I was devastated. The whole time we’d been talking, he was in a relationship. How did I turn into *that* girl?

He saw I was upset and he tried to reassure me that he’d been thinking of breaking up with her even before we had met, and that talking to me had confirmed that he didn’t love her any more. Like an idiot, I believed him. Even after all my ex-boyfriend had put me through, I never even considered that Luca’s behaviour was bad.

Everything carried on like normal. We’d met in November-time and it was now Valentines Day. I’d passed my driving test and I was bouncing off the walls, and he said “I won’t be online tonight, I’m going out with my girlfriend.” I remember I was a bit gutted by this, and I even asked if this meant would he be having sex with her, and he nodded his head.

At the time I remember thinking that he probably still views his relationship as serious, since he’s willing to spend Valentines Day with her. I decided to detach myself from him for a while, because I was hurting inside again. I remember he was online on MSN however he had to log off, and I wasn’t responding to him. He said something like “I’ve got to go sweetie, I’m sorry if you’re upset for any reason. Hope to talk to you soon!”

It was a standard message, but I never spoke to him after that. He never logged on again. I added him on Facebook a few months down the line and even though he accepted my request, he didn’t answer the few messages I sent him.

Nowadays I remember him as The Swiss Guy with the gorgeous smile, but that’s it. He probably wasn’t a nice guy. He was probably manipulative and selfish. The victim in this story is his girlfriend. I would die inside if I found out my long-term boyfriend was flirting with another girl the way him and I flirted, even if it was only over the internet. It’s the intent involved that makes it such a betrayal.

I’m just sorry I was the other girl. I wasn’t thinking at the time, I was too busy being in my own little world, wanting my own hurt to stop. I didn’t have room in my selfish brain to consider anyone else who may end up hurt due to my actions.

It could have ended uglier I guess.