I Was Emotionally Aggressive

I had a tough week with my boyfriend last week.

My parents went away on holiday for 2 weeks and my boyfriend was here pretty much 24/7 apart from when he had to go to work and when he went home for supplies. It was amazing. We’ve only been dating since January this year (we’ve been friends for years though, however we only got close recently). We’re both creatures of habit, and it was hard to have him sleeping in the same bed as me for a couple of days, but after the initial shock it was great having him with me. I got to share everything with him. Meals, music, tv, video games, and I could kiss him and get a cuddle any time I wanted. (Did you know that in Canada, if you kiss someone whilst they’re asleep, it can be seen as a form of rape? :O)

I’ve been struggling since I finished University. It’s hard to get back into the habit where, since I’m under my parents roof, I’m under their rules again. It was okay during holiday seasons whilst I was a student, because I knew I was going away back to University in a few weeks. Now, I have to take it. I have to obey. I feel like a child again, and tbh, they’re starting to treat me like one again. That’s another reason why I loved having those 2 weeks. They were without my parents.

Last week was my first week with them back. I managed to secure a job interview whilst they were away, and they didn’t seem delighted in the slightest. My father tapped away on his laptop whilst my mum said “Okay, well let’s hope this one goes better. You really need to get yourself a job.” (My boyfriends family were delighted and congratulated me, so at least I got some positive attitude about it.)

The interview went well however they said they would call me and they didn’t. The current situation is still pending but I just felt beaten up. I give everything and everyone 100% in my life and sometimes it feels like I only get 10% in return. I would like to think I would never treat a potential employee like that, I would at least stick to my word. It’s not hard to pick up the phone, or compose an email.

Anyway, it made me quite low. And I took it out on the only person who talks to me with love and affection each and every day – my boyfriend. Suddenly all his little insignificant flaws became, for some reason, meaningful in my mind and it drove me crazy. I lashed out at him more than once. Not physically, never physically, but emotionally. I don’t even remember the things I said. I noticed one thing though:

I sounded exactly like my ex.

My ex boyfriend was a controlling, emotionally manipulative ball of nothingness with no balls. We argued constantly, and a lot of our arguments were revolved around similar subjects. He was so nasty to me sometimes. He would blurt out random phrases that didn’t even matter that much, and each word of the sentence was designed to hurt me in some sort of way. Sometimes I didn’t even have a response for him, I would just look at him in shock. I wouldn’t understand how one moment he could claim he loved me, and then say things like that the next.

I didn’t say anything personally against my boyfriend, but I did question certain aspects of his behaviour and come up with my own conclusions. I once implied he was selfish and that pushed him over the edge. I’ve never seen my boyfriend upset before, but this time he was. He hung up the phone and sent me a text message saying “You’re really upsetting me.” It shocked me a little. I then realised that it was as if this evil bitch inside of me was trying to prove something, and I found myself thinking “Are you proud of yourself?”

After a while I called him back and he picked up, but he wasn’t himself. I’d never heard him sound so… exhausted with me. Usually he forgives me straight away but this time he was putting his foot down. I needed that. I needed to realise that what I was doing with was wrong, and I definitely did. I apologised more than once, and I ended up begging to see him. He said he wasn’t sure, but in the end he agreed. I jumped in my car, and bought some chocolate from the petrol station on the way to his house.

In the car I had a long hard think about everything. The thought that I sounded like my ex entered my head, but I quickly ushered it away because the very thought made me feel ill. Out of shame.

To my surprise, he was very calm when I saw him. We talked about nothing in particular, as if nothing bad had happened. We were even joking around. We told each other stories about our school life. (We both went to the same school, but only met shortly before we graduated, so sometimes I forget we went to the same school. I love that we both did though, it makes me feel incredibly close to him.)

After a while we were cuddling spooning on his bed. He was jokingly growling in my ear and I was giggling. I took his hand in my mine and I apologised again for what had happened. He kissed me on the cheek and said it was water under the bridge, but I really did not want to leave it there. We talked about it for a bit, and then he said “I just don’t understand it sometimes. One moment you’re the loveliest girl in the world, the next you can say things which are quite horrible.”

My ex’s face entered my brain once more, and I was too ashamed to not say anything. I said “I think it’s a defence of mine.” He asked me what I meant, so I explained what I’d been thinking. I told him that I think it’s a defence I’ve set up for myself when things turn tense in a relationship. I had to teach myself how to fight back when my ex did it, and I guess maybe it’s turned into some sort of habit. It’s a survival method. A defence. I told him I wasn’t proud of myself, and that I felt awful about all of it.

I hate hate hate talking about my ex. Especially to my current boyfriend. They’re such different people. I know they say you should not regret your past, but if I had the chance I would tell my younger self to never give him a chance. Do not date him. Do not do anything with him. Walk away. Of course I can’t, and I have to live with the consequences.

My eyes turned damp and my tears ended up landing on his face since I was leaning on him. That’s the last thing I remember vividly, but the case has been closed since then and we’re great now. I’m definitely working on who I take my problems out of. Because let’s be honest, I have a roof over my head and even if I don’t get this job, there will be other opportunities. They are First World Problems.

Definitely not enough to ruin a relationship over. I wasn’t Emotionally Abusive, but I was Emotionally Aggresive. I took things out on my ex when he did not deserve it, and for that brief moment I did not even recognise myself.

Have you thought about any of your struggles whilst reading this? Have you taken your problems out on your SO that it’s lead to further problems?

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