Life Has Taken Over

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I used to blog all of the time. It was almost like I couldn’t help it, blog ideas would pop into my life and before I even knew it, my fingers were typing away. I didn’t even know my laptop was on?

Anyway, life has taken over since then. I had to graduate from University, because time actually moves, and not long after that I found myself sat in front of a computer. Same as my old life, apart from, this time I am getting paid to sit there. And type. And click away. However, instead of spilling my feelings and ideas onto a free blogging site, I was generating as much profit for my new company as possible. Write this, bill that, answer this, type that, answer your phone. Oh great, I am now an adult.

Now I’m not saying my new life is boring. On the contrary, I love it. Who knew money could be so addictive? Instead spending 12 hours eating, sleeping and blogging and, as a result, pissing money – I am sitting at a computer for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, and I am getting paid for it!

It has come at a price though. I do not recognise myself sometimes. A part of me argues that this is all part of growing up, and that we all have that one day where we realise that life will never the same again. But then another part of me wonders if I just got boring. I have not been blogging, I have not been drawing, I have not been taking pictures. And as a result of this, I feel less creative. And it sucks. It bums me out.

If that weren’t enough, I am now in a long term relationship with my school sweetheart…ish. I had a massive crush on him anyway, but he didn’t seem to keen when we were students. Maybe, as soon as I reached my 20s, I forced myself upon him, but who cares now? The point is that now, I see him in the hours I am not at work, which makes it even harder to not blog. Now again, I’m not saying this is a bad thing. Actually, if he knew I was blogging this right now, he would probably pay good money to read it. Or at least, beg and beg for me to show it to him. But I will not. At least, I do not want to. For the simple reason being, I want at least a little privacy in my life. I love him and I love being around him, I love sharing things with him but I would also like to have something that is my own still.

When it comes to my writing, he is very supportive. I have had a Novel idea in my head for around 3 years now, and he’s the only other person in the world who knows my storyline cover to cover. I’d written it all down in a 10 page synopsis and with some courage, I sent it to him. He finally read it all a few weeks ago and he told me it made him cry. Hopefully he meant in the good sense. If not, then fuck him, I’m going to write it anyway.

Which is why I want to start this blog back up. I want my writing to improve, I want my brain to become creative again. I want the joy I had when I blogged back in the good ol’ days when my biggest problem was that I hadn’t done the University reading.

Just to quickly introduce myself before I go, I am 22 years old and the best way to describe me is ambitious but a bit lazy. I am a great judge of character and a shitty liar. I trust too easy and I love dressing up. 2010 was my favourite year however 2015 is coming to a close second.

A x

The Swiss Boy

You know that old cliché that you should not get romantically involved with somebody who is already in a relationship, because chances are they’re just using you? Have you ever heard it but then thought “That’s just a general rule, I’m the exception?” Well I have, and I think a lot of people do.

Looking back on it now, I’m not proud of myself at all. I’m actually quite disgusted with myself. I don’t hold it against me however, because I was going through a low point in my life.

I was 17, and it was only a couple of months after my long-term boyfriend found out he didn’t love me any more. He told me I got fat and he cheated on me. He probably would have blamed his cheating on me if he had the chance.

Anyway, I was playing Little Big Planet online one day and on my brothers PS3, and he got put into a level I was already in. He followed me around loads of levels so I asked for his name. He seemed nice so I took a shot and asked if he wanted to add me on MSN and he did, and it went on from there.

His name was Luca and he was from Switzerland. For a Swiss boy he had very good English and he explained it was because his mum was from the Philippines, a country where one of their languages is English. We hit it off straight away. We went on webcams for a bit and he had the most perfect smile. He was unemployed so he was awake all night and slept all day, so we would talk for hours on end.

I remember I went to go visit a University and I was staying at my Aunts house, and I was lying in bed. My phone buzzed and it was him and I was so happy to hear from him, we chatted for hours. I got very flirty and he did too, I said something very daring like “I wish I could kiss you right now” and he said something like “I know… I wish I could too.”

I wasn’t in love, I didn’t even know if I wanted to date him, however I had a good looking sweet boy messaging me and it felt good. I showed my friends a picture of him and they all agreed he had a cute face and a lovely smile. *I* was smiling again. My ex boyfriend had broken my heart and my self esteem however Luca was helping me find myself again.

A couple of weeks later, when we were chatting, he let slip he had a girlfriend. I was confused, and I asked how long he’d been with her. When he said “A couple of years” I was devastated. The whole time we’d been talking, he was in a relationship. How did I turn into *that* girl?

He saw I was upset and he tried to reassure me that he’d been thinking of breaking up with her even before we had met, and that talking to me had confirmed that he didn’t love her any more. Like an idiot, I believed him. Even after all my ex-boyfriend had put me through, I never even considered that Luca’s behaviour was bad.

Everything carried on like normal. We’d met in November-time and it was now Valentines Day. I’d passed my driving test and I was bouncing off the walls, and he said “I won’t be online tonight, I’m going out with my girlfriend.” I remember I was a bit gutted by this, and I even asked if this meant would he be having sex with her, and he nodded his head.

At the time I remember thinking that he probably still views his relationship as serious, since he’s willing to spend Valentines Day with her. I decided to detach myself from him for a while, because I was hurting inside again. I remember he was online on MSN however he had to log off, and I wasn’t responding to him. He said something like “I’ve got to go sweetie, I’m sorry if you’re upset for any reason. Hope to talk to you soon!”

It was a standard message, but I never spoke to him after that. He never logged on again. I added him on Facebook a few months down the line and even though he accepted my request, he didn’t answer the few messages I sent him.

Nowadays I remember him as The Swiss Guy with the gorgeous smile, but that’s it. He probably wasn’t a nice guy. He was probably manipulative and selfish. The victim in this story is his girlfriend. I would die inside if I found out my long-term boyfriend was flirting with another girl the way him and I flirted, even if it was only over the internet. It’s the intent involved that makes it such a betrayal.

I’m just sorry I was the other girl. I wasn’t thinking at the time, I was too busy being in my own little world, wanting my own hurt to stop. I didn’t have room in my selfish brain to consider anyone else who may end up hurt due to my actions.

It could have ended uglier I guess.