Life Has Taken Over

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I used to blog all of the time. It was almost like I couldn’t help it, blog ideas would pop into my life and before I even knew it, my fingers were typing away. I didn’t even know my laptop was on?

Anyway, life has taken over since then. I had to graduate from University, because time actually moves, and not long after that I found myself sat in front of a computer. Same as my old life, apart from, this time I am getting paid to sit there. And type. And click away. However, instead of spilling my feelings and ideas onto a free blogging site, I was generating as much profit for my new company as possible. Write this, bill that, answer this, type that, answer your phone. Oh great, I am now an adult.

Now I’m not saying my new life is boring. On the contrary, I love it. Who knew money could be so addictive? Instead spending 12 hours eating, sleeping and blogging and, as a result, pissing money – I am sitting at a computer for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, and I am getting paid for it!

It has come at a price though. I do not recognise myself sometimes. A part of me argues that this is all part of growing up, and that we all have that one day where we realise that life will never the same again. But then another part of me wonders if I just got boring. I have not been blogging, I have not been drawing, I have not been taking pictures. And as a result of this, I feel less creative. And it sucks. It bums me out.

If that weren’t enough, I am now in a long term relationship with my school sweetheart…ish. I had a massive crush on him anyway, but he didn’t seem to keen when we were students. Maybe, as soon as I reached my 20s, I forced myself upon him, but who cares now? The point is that now, I see him in the hours I am not at work, which makes it even harder to not blog. Now again, I’m not saying this is a bad thing. Actually, if he knew I was blogging this right now, he would probably pay good money to read it. Or at least, beg and beg for me to show it to him. But I will not. At least, I do not want to. For the simple reason being, I want at least a little privacy in my life. I love him and I love being around him, I love sharing things with him but I would also like to have something that is my own still.

When it comes to my writing, he is very supportive. I have had a Novel idea in my head for around 3 years now, and he’s the only other person in the world who knows my storyline cover to cover. I’d written it all down in a 10 page synopsis and with some courage, I sent it to him. He finally read it all a few weeks ago and he told me it made him cry. Hopefully he meant in the good sense. If not, then fuck him, I’m going to write it anyway.

Which is why I want to start this blog back up. I want my writing to improve, I want my brain to become creative again. I want the joy I had when I blogged back in the good ol’ days when my biggest problem was that I hadn’t done the University reading.

Just to quickly introduce myself before I go, I am 22 years old and the best way to describe me is ambitious but a bit lazy. I am a great judge of character and a shitty liar. I trust too easy and I love dressing up. 2010 was my favourite year however 2015 is coming to a close second.

A x

I Was Emotionally Aggressive

I had a tough week with my boyfriend last week.

My parents went away on holiday for 2 weeks and my boyfriend was here pretty much 24/7 apart from when he had to go to work and when he went home for supplies. It was amazing. We’ve only been dating since January this year (we’ve been friends for years though, however we only got close recently). We’re both creatures of habit, and it was hard to have him sleeping in the same bed as me for a couple of days, but after the initial shock it was great having him with me. I got to share everything with him. Meals, music, tv, video games, and I could kiss him and get a cuddle any time I wanted. (Did you know that in Canada, if you kiss someone whilst they’re asleep, it can be seen as a form of rape? :O)

I’ve been struggling since I finished University. It’s hard to get back into the habit where, since I’m under my parents roof, I’m under their rules again. It was okay during holiday seasons whilst I was a student, because I knew I was going away back to University in a few weeks. Now, I have to take it. I have to obey. I feel like a child again, and tbh, they’re starting to treat me like one again. That’s another reason why I loved having those 2 weeks. They were without my parents.

Last week was my first week with them back. I managed to secure a job interview whilst they were away, and they didn’t seem delighted in the slightest. My father tapped away on his laptop whilst my mum said “Okay, well let’s hope this one goes better. You really need to get yourself a job.” (My boyfriends family were delighted and congratulated me, so at least I got some positive attitude about it.)

The interview went well however they said they would call me and they didn’t. The current situation is still pending but I just felt beaten up. I give everything and everyone 100% in my life and sometimes it feels like I only get 10% in return. I would like to think I would never treat a potential employee like that, I would at least stick to my word. It’s not hard to pick up the phone, or compose an email.

Anyway, it made me quite low. And I took it out on the only person who talks to me with love and affection each and every day – my boyfriend. Suddenly all his little insignificant flaws became, for some reason, meaningful in my mind and it drove me crazy. I lashed out at him more than once. Not physically, never physically, but emotionally. I don’t even remember the things I said. I noticed one thing though:

I sounded exactly like my ex.

My ex boyfriend was a controlling, emotionally manipulative ball of nothingness with no balls. We argued constantly, and a lot of our arguments were revolved around similar subjects. He was so nasty to me sometimes. He would blurt out random phrases that didn’t even matter that much, and each word of the sentence was designed to hurt me in some sort of way. Sometimes I didn’t even have a response for him, I would just look at him in shock. I wouldn’t understand how one moment he could claim he loved me, and then say things like that the next.

I didn’t say anything personally against my boyfriend, but I did question certain aspects of his behaviour and come up with my own conclusions. I once implied he was selfish and that pushed him over the edge. I’ve never seen my boyfriend upset before, but this time he was. He hung up the phone and sent me a text message saying “You’re really upsetting me.” It shocked me a little. I then realised that it was as if this evil bitch inside of me was trying to prove something, and I found myself thinking “Are you proud of yourself?”

After a while I called him back and he picked up, but he wasn’t himself. I’d never heard him sound so… exhausted with me. Usually he forgives me straight away but this time he was putting his foot down. I needed that. I needed to realise that what I was doing with was wrong, and I definitely did. I apologised more than once, and I ended up begging to see him. He said he wasn’t sure, but in the end he agreed. I jumped in my car, and bought some chocolate from the petrol station on the way to his house.

In the car I had a long hard think about everything. The thought that I sounded like my ex entered my head, but I quickly ushered it away because the very thought made me feel ill. Out of shame.

To my surprise, he was very calm when I saw him. We talked about nothing in particular, as if nothing bad had happened. We were even joking around. We told each other stories about our school life. (We both went to the same school, but only met shortly before we graduated, so sometimes I forget we went to the same school. I love that we both did though, it makes me feel incredibly close to him.)

After a while we were cuddling spooning on his bed. He was jokingly growling in my ear and I was giggling. I took his hand in my mine and I apologised again for what had happened. He kissed me on the cheek and said it was water under the bridge, but I really did not want to leave it there. We talked about it for a bit, and then he said “I just don’t understand it sometimes. One moment you’re the loveliest girl in the world, the next you can say things which are quite horrible.”

My ex’s face entered my brain once more, and I was too ashamed to not say anything. I said “I think it’s a defence of mine.” He asked me what I meant, so I explained what I’d been thinking. I told him that I think it’s a defence I’ve set up for myself when things turn tense in a relationship. I had to teach myself how to fight back when my ex did it, and I guess maybe it’s turned into some sort of habit. It’s a survival method. A defence. I told him I wasn’t proud of myself, and that I felt awful about all of it.

I hate hate hate talking about my ex. Especially to my current boyfriend. They’re such different people. I know they say you should not regret your past, but if I had the chance I would tell my younger self to never give him a chance. Do not date him. Do not do anything with him. Walk away. Of course I can’t, and I have to live with the consequences.

My eyes turned damp and my tears ended up landing on his face since I was leaning on him. That’s the last thing I remember vividly, but the case has been closed since then and we’re great now. I’m definitely working on who I take my problems out of. Because let’s be honest, I have a roof over my head and even if I don’t get this job, there will be other opportunities. They are First World Problems.

Definitely not enough to ruin a relationship over. I wasn’t Emotionally Abusive, but I was Emotionally Aggresive. I took things out on my ex when he did not deserve it, and for that brief moment I did not even recognise myself.

Have you thought about any of your struggles whilst reading this? Have you taken your problems out on your SO that it’s lead to further problems?

Help: My boyfriend won’t pleasure me

Question: I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 6 months now. We were best friends before we got together, and overall l I love being with him. There’s a slight problem, though. He won’t give me any kind of foreplay. The actual intercourse is good, but I can’t climax through it. I can’t help but find it unfair that he doesn’t touch me because he insists I touch him almost every time and from what I gather he always enjoys it. I’ve started dropping hints in our regular conversation and one I time I blurted out that I’ve never had an orgasm from him. He told me that really hurt for him to hear but it was the truth so I didn’t take it back. He’s started saying that he’s realised he needs to change and I think the only reason he won’t touch me properly is because he lacks experience. I once teasingly said I would teach him but he just got offended because I’m younger than him (I’m 20, he’s 22.) Am I within my rights to feel unsatisfied or am I just being selfish and horrible?

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Answer: People can deny it all they like but sex is an important factor to a relationship. Not THE most important, but vital nonetheless. It’s great that you get along with your partner in all other senses apart from the bedroom department, which means that this is probably easy to fix.

Random fact I’ve just remembered, did you know that men didn’t know a women’s orgasm existed until the early 20th century? Another fact is some of women simply cannot achieve orgasm through standard penetration. This is important for women to know so they don’t start thinking there’s something wrong when this applies to them, and it’s important for men to know for obvious reasons.

I don’t think you’re being selfish and horrible. You haven’t let it come between you two in your every day life since it sounds like you have a very healthy relationship regardless of this little problem. You seem to know it’s a little problem too because of the language you’ve used in your email. My immediate judgement is that you two haven’t been together all that long, so this problem will most probably fix itself over time. Like you’ve said also, it’s through lack of experience, not so much that he doesn’t want to.

Like the old cliché goes, communication is key in any relationship. Maybe the reason he got offended by what you said is because of the way you approached it. He probably wasn’t expecting it. Maybe address it with a more sensitive angle next time, since it’s very likely he’s already self-concious about his performance. Self esteem counts for a lot in bedroom antics, maybe he’s had a bad review in the past and doesn’t want to disappoint you?

Since you were best friends before lovers, it sounds like you two will be able to push through this by being honest with each other. An important trick I’ve learnt when attacking sensitive subjects like this is giving a compliment whilst making your point. Instead of saying “I don’t think it’s fair that you won’t give me foreplay” you could say “our sex is already really good but I would love it if you [insert anything you want your man to do here]”. You see? Giving compliments are important because if you don’t do this, your partner will assume the worst and beat themselves up about it.

I don’t think you’re outside of your rights however it’s not worth arguing and getting upset over. If you feel like you should continue mentioning it in person, do so however consider his feelings when you approach the subject. Problems like these usually fix themselves naturally and it’s definitely not something you can force or rush. You’re already having good sex like you said, which is a very good start.