Question: I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 6 months now. We were best friends before we got together, and overall l I love being with him. There’s a slight problem, though. He won’t give me any kind of foreplay. The actual intercourse is good, but I can’t climax through it. I can’t help but find it unfair that he doesn’t touch me because he insists I touch him almost every time and from what I gather he always enjoys it. I’ve started dropping hints in our regular conversation and one I time I blurted out that I’ve never had an orgasm from him. He told me that really hurt for him to hear but it was the truth so I didn’t take it back. He’s started saying that he’s realised he needs to change and I think the only reason he won’t touch me properly is because he lacks experience. I once teasingly said I would teach him but he just got offended because I’m younger than him (I’m 20, he’s 22.) Am I within my rights to feel unsatisfied or am I just being selfish and horrible?
Answer: People can deny it all they like but sex is an important factor to a relationship. Not THE most important, but vital nonetheless. It’s great that you get along with your partner in all other senses apart from the bedroom department, which means that this is probably easy to fix.
Random fact I’ve just remembered, did you know that men didn’t know a women’s orgasm existed until the early 20th century? Another fact is some of women simply cannot achieve orgasm through standard penetration. This is important for women to know so they don’t start thinking there’s something wrong when this applies to them, and it’s important for men to know for obvious reasons.
I don’t think you’re being selfish and horrible. You haven’t let it come between you two in your every day life since it sounds like you have a very healthy relationship regardless of this little problem. You seem to know it’s a little problem too because of the language you’ve used in your email. My immediate judgement is that you two haven’t been together all that long, so this problem will most probably fix itself over time. Like you’ve said also, it’s through lack of experience, not so much that he doesn’t want to.
Like the old cliché goes, communication is key in any relationship. Maybe the reason he got offended by what you said is because of the way you approached it. He probably wasn’t expecting it. Maybe address it with a more sensitive angle next time, since it’s very likely he’s already self-concious about his performance. Self esteem counts for a lot in bedroom antics, maybe he’s had a bad review in the past and doesn’t want to disappoint you?
Since you were best friends before lovers, it sounds like you two will be able to push through this by being honest with each other. An important trick I’ve learnt when attacking sensitive subjects like this is giving a compliment whilst making your point. Instead of saying “I don’t think it’s fair that you won’t give me foreplay” you could say “our sex is already really good but I would love it if you [insert anything you want your man to do here]”. You see? Giving compliments are important because if you don’t do this, your partner will assume the worst and beat themselves up about it.
I don’t think you’re outside of your rights however it’s not worth arguing and getting upset over. If you feel like you should continue mentioning it in person, do so however consider his feelings when you approach the subject. Problems like these usually fix themselves naturally and it’s definitely not something you can force or rush. You’re already having good sex like you said, which is a very good start.